Road trip!

Wow, what a whirlwind, wonderful trip! Three days, five people, three national parks, one vehicle, lots of laughs, more memories than I can remark on here. Here's a photo sampling.










First stop: Great Sand Dunes National Park.

Coloradwow!

When on a road trip, one must visit unusual (more different) diners.

It's Grand--like a canyon!

Spoon anyone?

There's nothing like brats and s'mores cooked on a campfire--with a huge branch growing out of it.

Waking up at sunrise--one of the best accidents that happened.

Four Corners: taking a quick break from the long sit.

New music today

Switchfoot fans, here it comes.

Sparrow Records/Columbia Records will release Oh! Gravity., the eagerly-awaited sixth studio album from the multi-platinum-selling San Diego-based rock band on December 26.

In anticipation of the release, Switchfoot will hit the road for an extensive U.S. fall tour, including a stop at Denver's Ogden Theatre Oct. 23. A first peek at new album material with the song “Dirty Second Hands” is available on iTunes starting today.

Also hitting iTunes (and stores) today is sixstepsrecords/Sparrow Records’ lead-worshiper Chris Tomlin’s fourth studio album, See The Morning, Check out the album’s e-card at http://www.seethemorning.com/ for samples of the music, a slide show, tour itinerary and more.
Good stuff!

Shelters—update on lessons from the stye

Yes, the stye is gone. And I’m even following my own advice by making an intentional effort to spend time attending to what’s going on inside and do what makes me come alive.

I said “no” to teaching yoga and starting massage therapy classes in January. Though it saddens me not to be starting something new, I’m excited to embark on the adventures that await.

Last night our pastor taught from Luke 9:28-33. He built a blanket fort and compared it to the church. He asked, “Are we withdrawing, seeking shelter from the world, rather than seeking ways to redeem it?”

Interestingly, the same morning in my Beth Moore Breaking Free Bible study, she emphasized, “When opressed, the children of God have a tendency to prepare shelters for themselves rather than do what liberty demands. These shelters can easily turn into strongholds.”

I don't know if I explained the connection very well--but it made sense to me. It's funny how God will emphasize a point in several ways in one day--just to make sure we're paying attention.

I no longer want to shelter myself with busyness or pride in various accomplishments.
I want to use my uniqueness to make a big deal of God (see next post).

Use YOUR uniqueness

My wonderful mother flew to Colorado to visit me and attend the Women of Faith conference. Besides my time with her, some highlights for me:

Lisa Smith brought tears flowing from my eyes that not any of the polished speakers or singers could evoke. A beautiful girl with Down Syndrome signing during Sandi Patty’s performance. Such passion, gusto, and grace Lisa displayed as her hands flickered and twirled. Head thrown back and body swaying, worshiping with child-like reckless abandon. It amazes me how God uses the weak to shame the strong.

Isn't it obvious that God deliberately chose men and women that the culture overlooks and exploits and abuses, chose these "nobodies" to expose the hollow pretensions of the "somebodies"? That makes it quite clear that none of you can get by with blowing your own horn before God. Everything that we have—right thinking and right living, a clean slate and a fresh start—comes from God by way of Jesus Christ. That's why we have the saying, "If you're going to blow a horn, blow a trumpet for God." --1 Corinthians 1:26-31 (The Message)

Max Lucado’s main message: “Use your uniqueness to make a big deal out of God every day of your life.”

Lisa perfectly displayed using one’s uniqueness to make a big deal of God. No credentials or bio in the program, she didn’t need to try to impress anyone—yet she brought nearly all the 17,000 attendees to their feet. Her sweet joyful spirit impressed upon my heart that it’s not those who are perfect that can be used by God. I’ve never seen such poetry moving from hand to hand. No pretenses, no performance, just praise!

Sad Starbucks and spinach news

Sadly, effective Oct. 3, Starbucks is set to raise beverage prices by five cents.
Starbucks spokeswoman Valerie O'Neil said that rising business costs, including health care and raw ingredients, prompted the price increase.
O please, don’t they make enough off a $5 latte? In even sadder news, I will still be purchasing my pumpkin spice lattes there.
The saddest news of all: U.S. restaurant chains removed spinach from their menus last week after the leafy green vegetable was linked to more than 100 cases of E. coli. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration warned consumers not to eat fresh spinach until further notice. The vegetable was linked to 109 cases of E. coli infection in 19 states, including one Wisconsin adult’s death.
However, spinach-hating children everywhere rejoice. “Mommy, I told you spinach can kill you!” Those of us who actually like the raw leafy-green delight mourn its demise.

Hiking Pikes Peak

It was a blast—literally, mixed in with miserably cold and memorable.

Though this was my third time hiking to the summit, I’d never trekked up the back side, and never tackled it with blasting winds and frigid temps--all this after only FOUR hours of sleep.
Please read Katie’s excellent account of our adventure.

Like her, I felt tempted to focus on how cold and miserable I felt. Can you see in the picture I look like I’m going to cry?

And I did my share of feeling sorry for myself and my friends. But when I realized that pity wouldn’t make us feel any better, I chose to be thankful. One of the things I was most thankful for was the promise of a hot bath when I got home. I knew without doubt that rest would come.
Though I couldn’t change my painful circumstances in the moment I could find joy in the journey.

Ever tried Diet Coke and Mentos?

Mix together and you have a fun explosion. Check out www.eepybird.com for an extreme experiment video!

What is it about reading a book?

What is it about reading a book in a bookstore that makes it so much more captivating?
I dare not buy one lest I take it home and set it on my night stand with the piles of others waiting to be finished. Sure they’re attended to occasionally, but usually as I’m falling asleep or distracted. But I can think of few indoor stationary activities that revive my soul and inspire my spirit more than ingesting the contents of a bookstore.

I turn first to magazines to warm up my page-flipping fingers and truth-searching eyes. Then meandering for deeper longer-lasting meaning, I wander to the book rows. I settle down on a sofa chair with a stack in my lap. I can sit for hours, absorbed as I sink into the chair and deeper into a good volume. I typically trust myself to take nonfiction works off the shelves. It’s what I find closest, most applicable to my life. But perhaps I don’t stay long enough. I let my eyes skip over pages trying to find the truth in short snippets or snapshots.

Regardless, I’ve come to a connection with the author, this world, and find a place that reflects an otherworld where time goes by unnoticed, where forever isn’t long enough.

Telluride pics

Desert vs. Mountain

The desert has much to teach—lessons of bareness and brokenness. But in the mountains beauty flows forth from flowers and foliage all around. From a waterfall through rivers, vigorous life-giving water flows freely. In the desert there’s little moisture. Where there’s green you stop to pay attention to it. You notice more of the dead details—rocks, driftwood, dust. The dryness allows you, prompts you to call out for help. You would not linger long lest you be burnt by looming sun. Whereas a mountain’s shadow invites rest or conquest.
I’m thankful for seasons—whether it’s dry like the desert or lush like the mountains, He’s still present, still active.
I felt like this trip brought me full circle. Last year I visited Moab with my parents, a wonderful time of exploration and connection. Since then God has brought me from the desert to a green valley, up on a mountain, and back.
He brought me blessings to make my heart sing and trials to make my character stronger. This trip with friends Jenny and Kjersten revealed how much I’ve been blessed.

Moab pics

I lift up my eyes

to the red jagged cliffs of Moab. Where does my strength come from? It comes from the Rock, my firm foundation, tower above all else. He made the rust-tinted rocks, the desert-green trees, the cooling breeze, and everything in between. In the midst of all this natural glory, He created us to add to the beauty.

Check out Agia Sophia

The best local coffee shop/bookstore/hangout I've yet to experience in Colorado Springs.
Thanks to Kjersten for telling me about this place. If you'd like to learn more, click here.
A friendly barista greeted me and took my order. I wandered upstairs and discovered a priest chatting with another man next to a mountain-view window. I browsed the "Athletes of Prayer" books, sat down on a comfy leather sofa, then enjoyed my scone and Thai spice latte (which the lovely barista brought up to me) while taking advantage of free wi-fi. I'm considering having my writing group meet here at least every other week. Don't you think small independent coffee shops and book stores should be supported? Check it out!

And the winner is...

my friend Jess with her "Dean of athletics," tying in both previously unrelated photos. How about Jars of Clay's new CD, Good Monsters?
After tucking in James Dean I realize there are many more intense pranksters out there. Mr. Dean points to Katie who "made" us get all muddy (and took the great action shot). Anyway, this was basically an exercise in posting random photos and seeing what you could come up with. Thanks for playing!

OK, here are some clues...

What the...?

What is going on here?
Leave a comment and tell me what you think.
Most creative (yet appropriate) answer gets a prize.

Refreshing

Reliable friends who do what they say are like cool drinks in sweltering heat—refreshing!
Proverbs 25:13 (The Message)

Lessons from the stye: Sometimes faith means saying “no.”

A stye, an infectious obnoxious little lump, has taken up residency in my eye. As you can see, it’s ugly. You probably can’t see how badly it hurts.

I tried to cover the red puffiness with eye makeup, which actually is quite effective. The only problem with this method is the cover-up prevents me from treating the problem (by inserting antibiotic cream-goop and placing warm compresses on my eye six times daily).

I have to choose between looking pretty on the outside and healing the inside. In this case I can’t do both, so I’ve gone without makeup this week.

If only I could treat healing of the heart the same way. It’s so easy to cover the wounds, the pain, the hurt, the soul infection. What would actually happen if I left them uncovered and did the work of treating the “root” of the problem? The pain often gets worse before it gets better. The infection has to keep swelling until it comes to a head before healing starts.

There are many ways in which I cover my heart-wounds. One primary way is busyness. If my life is filled with activity I will feel loved, useful, needed, important. If I’m busy, I won’t have to take the time to deal with the painful pangs my heart is feeling.

Will you do this? Will you do that?
Yes, yes, yes, I aim to please!

So much so that my days and evenings and weekends are filled. When I don’t take the time to attend to what’s going on inside (let my heart heal with rest and time with God) the inner-infection builds. My heart and soul start to die when I don’t do what makes me come alive (for me, being creative and enjoying God’s creation).

So I challenge myself to say “no” to some things (even “good” activities), which just fill up my time, but don’t fulfill God’s purpose for my life.
I challenge you to do the same. Feel what your heart is beating. Allow time and space in your life for healing. Pretending your wounds aren’t there wont make them go away. Do the work to heal the problem, rather than covering up the symptoms.
My eye is healing, my heart is feeling, and I’m believing God that sometimes faith means saying “no.”

Disclaimer: I reserve every right not to follow my own advice. After I decided I’m too busy, I said “yes” to a freelance editing job. In addition, I’m planning to start back with the Thursday-night writing group, get certified to teach yoga in October, and start massage therapy classes in January. I’m working 12 more days at Peterson Air Force Base. Oh did I mention I work full-time? And try to maintain friendships, attend a Bible study, and a small group. I like to sleep, eat, and exercise occasionally too.

It takes two to tango.

I learned the basics of the tango at the Mercury Cafe (my favorite urban hangout) this weekend in Denver.
Argentine tango is known as the dance of passion--to be danced with extreme connection and focus on your partner. However, no partner is required for lessons, and even if you bring a partner, you're required to switch every fourth song.
As a woman, this means you must listen to man--not with the ears, but with the arms. We were required to shut our eyes and our mouths the majority of the time.
According to my instructor, this dance is all about the embrace. It's strong and sexy, but respectful. The woman must not allow the man to walk all over her, nor does the dance work if she leads.
Dance has so much to teach about relationships.
After all, you know the saying...it takes two to tango!

Loser interviews Backstreet Boy Brian Littrell

Click here for an interview with Brian Littrell, Backstreet Boy turned-Christian music soloist.

I first met this pop-superstar in April at the Gospel Music Assoc. Week. His publicist asked me to interview him and I reluctantly agreed. The magazine I work for doesn’t typically print interviews, which is why I felt hesitant to waste his time.

However, I met an editor from Christianity Today at a Provident dinner. We got talking and I found out his interview with Brian was cancelled. We agreed that I would sell my interview write-up to CT.

What followed seemed a complete disaster. I almost turned down the story because I couldn’t get it completed (parents in town, writing a feature article at work) by the deadline they requested.
Then I couldn’t get a hold of his publicist to schedule a follow-up. Then I discovered Brian told me in about the exact same words what he tells every other media outlet. Then the interview was too short. But there was no way of getting a hold of him and asking more questions. I hear from CT they’ll pay me, but not as much as we agreed (I accept this—it’s my fault the interview is short). Then nothing. I assume they’ve decided not to publish it. Finally, I hear from my friendly editor it took “a while to get a few questions answered and get the interview to where my boss was satisfied.”

So now three months later it’s online. This is just to say you win some, you lose some.

I felt like a complete failure/loser during this entire process, but I pray God has used/is using it SOMEHOW for His glory.

Listening to...Blue on Blue

Two years ago Leigh Nash bottomed out. It wasn't due to any of the stereotypical rock dalliances involving substance abuse or lavish spending. Instead, Nash found herself face to face with the dark underbelly of the protestant work ethic - when giving and giving doesn't equal getting what you always imagined.

Sixpence None the Richer, the band she had been a member of for nearly half of her life, thirteen years all told, was contemplating calling it quits. Nash and high school sweetheart Matt Slocum had formed the group as teenagers, touring in sedans and cramped vans, slowly building a career.

In spite of the colossal success the band enjoyed with ubiquitous pop singles like "Kiss Me" and "There She Goes," the group was continually plagued by the business woes of the trade and finally decided to split ways amicably. Disoriented by this major change, Nash and her husband left their Nashville home of ten years and moved to Los Angeles.

"It was a major life change for me because I had been with Sixpence since I was fourteen. I was 27 at the time, and I didn't know what I was going to do. So, I started writing songs," says Nash.

While in L.A., Nash penned a batch of songs that would eventually comprise her first solo record, Blue on Blue, a sweetly understated collection of musings on love and motherhood due out August 15 on One Son Records, Nash's own imprint label through Nettwerk Productions.

A few months after Sixpence None the Richer parted ways, Nash welcomed her son Henry into the world, along with a new sense of creative vitality. Nash explains that her songs were not intentionally centered on any one concept, but admits her newfound maternity was a source of inspiration.

With Sixpence behind her and a two-year-old son along for the ride, Nash is back in Nashville, prepped to return to music even though she never really left. Now perhaps a bit more career-conscious and business-weary, Nash reveals that tired edge without losing her dainty charm. Because of this, Blue on Blue is not just a carefree jog through the present but a vividly felt exercise wholly informed by the past.

Check out more from Leigh Nash at:
www.leighnash.com
www.myspace.com/leighnash
www.nettwerk.com

Hiking Mount Elbert

Beauty—More than Anatomy

I almost never watch TV, but last night my roommate had on Grey’s Anatomy. I sat down to join her, with half my attention on reprogramming my new phone. But this particular episode caught my attention, and piqued my interest in discovering more about something that confuses my mind, yet stirs my heart. I set my phone down and watched the drama draw out.

A patient recognizes Dr. Isobel “Izzie” Stevens from her modeling days and he refuses to allow her in the room with him. Viewers later learn he’s got prostrate cancer and doesn’t want the woman he fantasized see his emasculation.

I’m intrigued, because I’m trying to understand this male’s dilemma.
I turn to the pages of Xan Hood’s, Untamed. He helps me get it, at least a little bit.

In the chapter called “Beauty” Hood describes the draw of beauty, how he’s not alone in his search for it: “It seemed to be universal, desired by all—men and women, mothers and children, and even grandparents. It seemed everyone was trying to capture it in some form or another through a camera, by drawing it, writing about it, or by hiking to remote areas to find it.”

This I find true—why else would I find such great delight in exploring the marvelous mountains of Colorado? I take photos, write, collect flowers in the attempt to capture beauty.

But what is it about a woman’s body that gets men so excited?

Hood goes on to explain, “With this desire and stirring for beauty, I found a way to taste, for a brief moment, what it might be like to be with the beautiful girl. In my fantasies, I got the girl every time. I was her hero and knight in shining armor…Pornography offered to fulfill the longing and ache I had inside of me for a woman, and for beauty.”

As men long to taste beauty, they often settle for cheap substitutions. It’s not that they desire too much; it’s that they settle for so little.

I am guilty too. I focus on my outsides so much more than cultivating beauty in my soul. And yet I desperately long to be known and loved, not just for my appearance, but for who I am. As John Eldredge wrote in Wild at Heart, “Every woman is asking the question, ‘Am I beautiful? Am I lovely? Do you notice me?”

I want to be the beautiful girl, the one who gets noticed by a man and causes him to take action. I long to be the one for which he chooses to fight. I believe it’s within God’s design for this to happen—for a strong man to pursue a lovely woman, not just for her body, but for who she is.

The true beauty of a woman should bring out the best in a man. Likewise, the strength of a man acting in his God-given role should bring out the beauty in a woman. God made romance to be an amazing representation of how Christ loves the Church. And when love between a man and a woman works the way it should, it truly is a beautiful thing.

However, men and women can’t completely satisfy the longings of each other’s hearts, nor should they try. We must awaken to the ways our Savior pursues us, romances us even. The Creator of mountains, flowers, and bodies allows us to see beauty so we can turn to praise Him. He uses sunsets, rainbows, and lightning storms to show us His glory and remind us of His loving care. I imagine it’s like He’s saying, “See, look what I made. I cared enough to create this just for you to behold at this very moment. And I created you. I love you, and I want you to love me too. Don’t you see?”

Jared Anderson sings a song saying, “Nothing compares to the beauty of the Lord/
Jesus, your love takes my breath away/ And now I’m living every day for the beauty of the Lord.”

I don’t know the completeness of what it means to live for the beauty of the Lord, but I am sure it’s far more satisfying than seeking after a beauty that’s found in the cheap imitations of trashy magazines and sultry sitcoms.

A sampling of

images from an amazing trip to Crested Butte, CO.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. "

Here is the path to the door.
Will you take the effort to reach it?
I thought the most beautiful boat was the one that had been battered.
Similarly, these flowers find their beauty in resilience.

And my new friend Katie (above) has been knocked off her feet more than a few times, and yet she has found Strength in the struggle and beauty in the storm.

She reminded me that the rainbow can't be seen without the rain.

Highlights from Denver...climbing

It's amazing what you can find when you look up.

While rock climbing, as in life, it's easy to get stuck staring at what's in front of you.
It's often harder to remember that in order to climb highter, we have to let go of what seems safe in the moment. The best of what's available to hold onto is above you.

Philip Yancey shared insights from his new book (releasing in October) Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference? when he spoke July 9th—first at the CO Convention Center and then at his “after party” at a rock climbing gym.

As a fellow Colorado resident and outdoor adventure-junkie, I appreciated how he juxtaposed themes from mountain climbing with lessons about God.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from what I’ve read of his book so far:

I live in daily hope of getting my life under control. At home I left a desk covered with to-do lists…Maybe if I take a day off, I’ll have time…

On the mountain one bolt of lightning, splitting a rock on a nearby peak and exploding against my eardrums, exposes any illusion that I am ever in control.

Like a flash of lightning, prayer exposes for a nanosecond what I would prefer to ignore: my own true state of fragile dependence. The undone tasks accumulating at home, my family and ever other relation, temptations, health, plans for the future—all these I bring into that larger reality, God’s sphere, where I find them curiously upended.

In prayer I shift my point of view away from my own selfishness. I climb above timberline and look down at the speck that is myself. I gaze at the starts and recall what role I or any of us play in a universe beyond comprehension. Prayer is the act of seeing reality from God’s point of view.

Between the Dreaming and the Coming True

Next week I’m headed to the biggest annual tradeshow in the Christian products industry.
I have appointments to interview Bebo Norman, Phil Joel (Newsboys), and new artists Jessie Daniels and Brandon Heath.

While I’m excited to spend time with these talented musicians, I always feel a bit of trepidation and anxiety during preparation for these types of things.
The enemy has a way of attacking my confidence.
Who are you to speak to these famous people?
What do you really have to say?
What if you embarrass yourself and say something really stupid?

Despite this nagging before each interview, I usually end up being blessed by each person because I realize, “this is just a person, just like anyone else.”
Carrie, this is not about you. It’s not even about them. It’s about what Christ is doing and how we can each bring Him glory with the particular talents and platform He’s given us.

I’m most excited to have coffee with Bebo on Monday (although I learned today from his Web site, http://www.bebonorman.com/, that he doesn’t consume caffeine. He also doesn’t sing at weddings—didn’t even sing at his own. Bummer.)

I was amazed at his authenticity and honesty when I interviewed him at GMA last year. His newest album, Between the Dreaming and the Coming True, which releases in September has impacted me deeply.

The title is named after Robert Benson’s book about discovering God even in the depths of depression. And Bebo’s tagline (gleaned from his biography put out by his record label):

“You can't understand light unless you understand darkness, because that’s where life is most often lived…somewhere between the two. It’s messy and it’s beautiful all at the same time.”

When Bebo first came onto the music scene 10 years ago (could it have been that long?), he says, “I wrote a lot in those days from turmoil and loneliness. A lot of that had to do with being single and living on the road without much of a home. The funny thing was that when this began to change and I entered into a season of my life where, for three or four years now, I’ve understood what peace is, that made me worry a bit too, because I didn’t know how to write from peace. I’d never done that before.”

I can’t wait to ask him if he thinks that peace came from getting married, which happened around that time, or other events.

He adds, “The rub is that I’m living in this peaceful place right now that’s played out against a backdrop of a world that looks so confusing and frightening. I watch friends of mine in failing marriages. I watch people that I love get sick and die. I watch war and poverty and natural disaster.”

With that, Norman was confronted with a number of questions that gave birth to a new attitude in his writing. “In the middle of all this, I’m asking, how does this make sense? What is this peace I feel in a world that’s so clearly not at peace? Who is God in light of how I see Him in my life, in this world? And who am I?”

Good questions, Bebo.
I might just ask him those very ones on Monday.
Tune in for more…

Undressed

Don’t be fooled by this title.
“The naked truth about love” the author states, is “about undressing our hearts. We have to strip off the layers of expectations, preconceived notions, and fears.”
Known for staying pure during his stint on ABC’s The Bachelorette, Jason Illian encourages singles to stay dressed and remain vertical. In a firm, not preachy manner, Illian includes his commentary on the state of the date, plus commandments for dating and breaking up.
Drawing from many well-known books, nothing incredibly new is offered. However, his conversational style from the “dating trenches” is refreshing. While his famous face will likely capture female customers’ attention, his bold stance mixed with ample humor will keep any reader’s attention.
Though aimed at twenty- and thirty-somethings, this is good advice for all ages. With a cover like this—plus what’s underneath the dressing—you’ll be sure to see Undressed face out on the bookshelves, starting October 16.
Click on the image to see his Web site.

Free Mockingbird from Derek Webb

INO Records singer/songwriter Derek Webb (formerly of Caedmon's Call) announced he will give away his latest release, Mockingbird (Provident-Integrity).

Starting Sept. 1 at freederekwebb.com, anyone can download, keep, or share the album.

Check out derekwebb.com for a preview of this hard-hitting, challenging album. The easy-listening melodies don't disguise the hard-to-hear provocative lyrics delving into topics including social justice, poverty, war, and politics.

Disappointment with God

In the wake of a hurtful breakup/s, painful chronic injuries, seeing friends suffer, and applying for but not getting the job I’ve been praying for years about, I’ve been questioning God.

Like John the Baptizer (who stood in prison knowing God could deliver him, but didn’t), I’ve asked Jesus, “Are you the One we’ve been expecting, or are we still waiting?”

I confess, I’ve questioned His goodness as He’s answered me with a “no” or “wait” (I’m not sure which in each case).

Beth Moore says, “Surely no pain is like the searing of the heart when ‘your God has not lived up to your expectations.’”

God hasn’t lived up to my expectations, but I’m realizing it’s my expectations that are faulty—not Him.

It’s just that when I was a kid I never knew growing up would be so tough.
But God is in a continual process of teaching us to grow up.

Even though I’m often frustrated when He doesn’t make sense to me, I’m glad He doesn’t meet all my expectations--then there would never be room for Him to exceed my expectations.

God doesn’t exist so I can get something from Him, and I don’t exist so I can get something from Him. He created us for relationship with Him.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned the past few months is that relationships require trust.
And God is teaching me to trust Him.

Do I believe that what He says is true?

“All the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the cross.” Colossians 1:20, The Message

If He loves me enough that He sent His Son to die for me, can’t I trust Him enough to live for Him?

Listening to Regina...

"On the Radio"

This is how it works

You laugh until you cry

You cry until you laugh

And everyone must breathe

Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works

You peer inside yourself

You take the things you like

And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made

And stick it into some

Someone else's heart

Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm

You hope it don't get harmed

But even if it does

You'll just do it all again

The God of miracles
wraps me in a blanket of stars,
tucks me goodnight,
stirs me with a kiss of breeze,
and the promise of morning.
His unfailing love opens my eyes.
The ache of sleeping so close to the ground,
myself being made of dust,
presses in my side.
But yet I rise because He rose.
He’s the rock on which I climb.
I so often forget that He will hold.
There’s no other place
I’d rather be.

Finding Joy in the Journey

I’ve been away awhile.

My heart has been locked in a cage, not knowing it was trapped.

God gave me the courage to open a door, let more light in, but that could not happen until I closed another behind me.

Closing a door makes my palms sweat and shake in fear, tears flow from my eyes. Everything feels like it’s falling apart, releasing out of me. I have no control, like a baby again.

But I know that I am held by a magnificent God who has never let me out of His control.




I just finished reading an excellent memoir, Pieces of Glass (Sept. release, Zondervan) by Sarah Kay. This young woman lost her fiancé in a skiing accident, and her words allow me to feel her pain. I empathize with the loss of hope, as I’m consoled that despite the messiness of the journey, hope can be found again.



These words resonate with me:

A fledgling grown-up – young enough to be confused but old enough to take care of myself.

It is never wrong to be strongly affected by something or someone.

I am woman. Strong woman, soft woman, deep woman, fiery woman, wounded woman, young woman. The need to love, to nurture, to give, to hold, and to be held…these are what makes me she! My heart screams out in defiance. I know that I’m capable and competent, and people will pay me good money to work for them. But who will love me? I’m attractive and smart…I’m young and able, beautiful and capable. But is that all there is?

I remember I have a choice. I can choose to consider this time as a trial placed in my path to refine me. I choose to see it as an anointing of love even in the worst and most unexplainable of tragedies. I don’t believe that God allows suffering simply to make us better Christians. Instead, I believe He has redeemed the brokenness of our world by using the suffering that breaks to become something that makes us beautiful. He is not a God who justifies the means by the end.

Success in life is that your kids want to spend time with you once they've grown up.
--Paul Orfalea, Kinko's founder

I suppose, then, that my parents are very successful, because I love spending time with them. They recently came to visit me, and we enjoyed every minute.

Don't forget to honor your mom Sunday on Mother's Day.

The controversial film detailing the hijacking of the fourth plane on 9/11, United 93, opens nationwide today.

The film’s Web site, http://www.u93.org, was created by Motive Entertainment, the company founded by Paul Lauer, who spearheaded marketing campaigns for The Passion of the Christ, The Polar Express, and The Chronicles of Narnia.

The controversy stems mainly from opinions that the film comes too soon, that the emotional wound from the tragic events has not yet healed. However, the families of those who were on the flight are in favor of the film.

I saw the movie on Tuesday, and agree that it's powerfully intense, not for those with weak stomachs or deep wounds from that day. I walked out speechless, reminded of how I felt that day almost five years ago. And yet, it all seemed even more real than before, seeing the events played out on a movie screen.

Acclaimed filmmaker Paul Greengrass (Bloody Sunday, The Bourne Supremacy), who directed this film, reportedly interviewed more than 100 family members and friends of those who perished. He hired flight attendants and commercial airline pilots to play those roles; hired several civilian and military controllers on duty on Sept. 11, including the FAA's Ben Sliney, to play themselves.

The film has been criticized for clunky acting, but I think this move adds a unique authenticity.

An important and effective tribute to Americans' sacrifice and bravery.

MySpace

Social networking Web site MySpace—which offers user profiles, photos, videos, blogs, group chat, music downloads, and an internal e-mail system—now boasts more than 72 million registered users.
This is the new “in” thing that “everyone” seems to be doing. A few months ago I hadn’t even heard of this site, one of the most visited in Web-dom.
A Relevant article describe the writer’s similar ignorance, and caution that I’ve had.

Here's what I see as reasons for using MySpace:
* Build “community,” make new friends, catch up with old ones, etc…

Reasons against:
* It can be addicting.
The average user logs onto the site for one hour and 40 minutes daily.

A community college in Texas has blocked MySpace.com. School officials at Del Mar College found that 40% of all Internet use at the school was dedicated to the site and claim it was eating up all the bandwidth.
* Not all the content on MySpace is clean. Member photos, despite being censored for nudity, sometimes show women in seductive poses and revealing clothing.

Because of this and other negative content (explicit song lyrics, marketing, etc…) Christian alternatives to the site are now popping up online.
CoolChristianFriends.com is one, plus Xianz.com announced open registration to artists and record labels, and will go live to the public May 25.

While I admire the efforts of Christians attempting to provide positive content, I am turned off by these sites, which seem like “wannabes.”

Plus, the line between sacred and secular is not always defined, nor should it be.
Christians can make a positive influence even on MySpace—they must just be careful not to be polluted by it. (James 1:27)

So, all things considered, I’ve signed up. I’m going to give it a try—with much precaution not to spend too much time or energy online.

“America Online reported that only 8% blog to ‘expose political information.’ Instead, 50% of bloggers consider what they are doing to be therapy,” according to the April 21 Wall Street Journal.

True, writing is therapeutic, whether it’s on paper or the computer screen. However, it’s probably not healthy for a blogger to receive his or her only source of therapy and community online.

If you want to become my “friend,” or see my page, see http://www.myspace.com/carjoson.

the swirl and ache

love at the lips was touch
as sweet as i could bear;
and once that seemed too much;
i lived on air

that crossed me from sweet things,
the flow of--was it musk
from hidden grapevine springs
downhill at dusk?

i had the swirl and ache
from sprays of honeysuckle
that when they're gathered shake
dew on the knuckle.

i craved strong sweets, but those
seemed strong when i was young;
the petal of the rose
it was that stung.

now no joy but lacks salt,
that is not dashed with pain
and weariness and fault;
i crave the stain

of tears, the aftermark
of almost too much love,
the sweet of bitter bark
and burning clove.

when stiff and sore and scarred
i take away my hand
from leaning on it hard
in grass and sand,

the hurt is not enough:
i long for weight and strength
to feel the earth as rough
to all my length.

--Robert Frost

Dove Awards

Chris Tomlin earned five Dove Awards, including Artist of the Year, at the 37th Annual GMA Music Awards, April 5 in Nashville. The awards show will air in national syndication April 15-May 21. Tomlin was one of 37 award-winners, including Steven Curtis Chapman, who received his 50th.
For a complete winners list, click here.




Pictured (l-r) with awards are: Passion Conferences/sixstepsrecords founder/director Louie Giglio, who received the award for Youth/Children’s Musical for His Renown; Artist of the Year Chris Tomlin; and David Crowder, who received three awards with his band and three for his production and songwriting credits.

Falling Into Love book review

Ned Erickson / Relevant Books
Subject: Relationships

Falling Into Love is the story of an ordinary couple who meet, fall in love, and find hope, despite stumbling through Valentines Day flub-ups, embarrassing moments with in-laws, carpet stains, and lost wedding rings.
This refreshing memoir mixes funny and reflective lessons taught not by how-to steps or formulas, but through tales that describe how our hearts hunger for love but can never be satisfied by anything but Christ. This isn’t a know-it-all, this-is-how-it’s-done approach. Instead, it’s a self-deprecating, floundering, still-learning, honest account of a real couple fumbling in marriage.
Readers, whether single or attached, can resonate with the mishaps, missteps, and miscommunication—and laugh and learn from them. Falling Into Love starts a metaphor that isn’t completely developed throughout, but nonetheless will delight twentysomething readers interested in the complexities of marriage.

Faith and the City book review

Jennifer Ruisch / Relevant Books
Subject: Biography

Ruisch, a college graduate, moves to Chicago to find herself. In a crowd of diverse religions and backgrounds, she meets many “lost” people as she struggles to discover her own place and purpose. The author’s narrative reads like a novel, recording interactions with a cast of characters at Paroneli’s Pasta. Her server job isn’t ideal, but it pays the bills and teaches priceless lessons.
There she meets Hunter, the religion-mocking punk band-leader; Mark, the Zen Buddhist semi-pro wrestler; Nola, “an angry Polish lesbian;” and Brad, the bitter former Catholic turned New Age fantasist.
Along her journey Ruisch discovers more of Christ, despite her experiences with nonbelievers and disappointing believers. She hooks readers with her story and subtly inserts insightful details that encourage deeper thinking. Recommend to college grads and seekers of deeper life in Christ.

Pregnant waiting

waiting, wondering, wishing
the meantime it’s a lean time, feels like i have much
but yearn for so much more
it’s hoping in the dark it’s trusting, it’s worrying,
then settling down
getting worked up, then calming,
tensing, then relaxing
it’s trying to see the future
it’s being OK with here and now
waiting is growing—a painful process but when the wait is fulfilled,
it’s rejoicing it’s all been worthwhile

Lord as I wait I don’t want to compromise
I don’t want to fill space and time with useless distractions,
or even useful ones

May this time be pregnant with expectancy,
hopeful that good things will come, Your promises fulfilled
may I be filled with your spirit, rather than anxiety
may I be full with You
You are alive and living inside me

waiting is letting go of control of wishes, wants, desires, plans
it’s accepting what God has in store
opening hands to accept good gifts

Jesus waits on us
He came to earth so He could be acted upon
i like to be an actor—the one who initiates the action,
but God calls us to wait for Him to act—and even so,
this isn’t something He Himself hasn’t had to endure
Jesus Christ, the divine Waiter
help me to wait like you—patiently, trustingly, honestly, lovingly

Beautiful words from Romans 8 (The Message)

In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition,
entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. …Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them--living and breathing God!
Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life.
This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?"
God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children.
We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!
That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next.
Everything in creation is being more or less held back.
God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead.
Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens. All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother.
We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.
Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

She is difficult to read.
The position of her eyebrows, her voice,
never too high or too low.
Turns her head as the pages shuffle,
shifting in the breeze.

She searches, tries to read him first
before he gets too close. She cracks open
his cover. Eyes scanning, studying his story.
Wind whips the pages, whispers, “This story’s not safe,”
But she keeps reading—it’s just to good to put down.

Falling

What is love?
Can you tell me in one sentence?
Earlier I wrote “love is a decision, not just a feeling.”
While I still think this is true, (I’ve read enough marriage books to be adequately brain-trained) I think I had it backwards.
Love is first feeling, which later, in healthy relationships, grows into commitment.
Those lovely feelings are natural and good and should come before the monotonous, every day “I am choosing to love you” decisions.

And when you truly love someone, you can’t help those feelings from creeping out, well, more like busting out.

“Love is what happens. It is not something you conjure or create. You cannot manufacture it. You cannot make it happen. It is like falling; it is out of your control. You do not climb into love or fly into love or even walk into it. You fall into love; love bruises and bumps…but it also holds.” –Ned Erickson, Falling Into Love (Relevant Books)

Regina Spektor’s song, “Fidelity” http://www.myspace.com/reginaspektor is a new favorite, in which I can relate:

I’ve never loved nobody fully / Always one foot on the ground / And by protecting my heart truly, I got lost / In the sounds / I hear in my mind / All of these voices. …all of these words…all this music…and it breaks my heart / Suppose I kept on singing on singing love songs…just to break my fall…

I have never let myself fall. But you know what? I am going to fall.
If not in love, then at least out of a plane (but preferably both).
Anyone wanna go skydiving?

The pursuit

Wednesday she woke up needy.
Needy for sleep first. It had been fitful—she woke at 1 a.m. and couldn’t return to sleep until she drank some tea, read her Bible. Even after that, sleeping seemed a chore—until the morning when sleep was unused vacation.
Her next need eluded definition. She shuffled off to work, went about the day searching for something, aching, hungering. But not for food. She felt no hunger pangs and decided not to eat until she had to.
A coworker, whose 16-year-old daughter recently gave birth, called the office, gushing with how smitten everyone is with the baby.
Another need awoke, started crying within. The need to give life, to care more for another being than for self.
She kept looking at her phone, hoping it would ring, to satisfy the need to connect. At the same time she wished it to not ring, for the fear of talking without relating. She felt the emptiness even more when she attended a party that evening. Useless words given, nothing memorable received.

Thursday was different.
She woke with a feeling. A calm sense someone had spoken to her as she slept. She didn’t remember any distinct words. I was like someone injected a peace in her veins. How else could she feel so loved, so sure that even though she’d done nothing to deserve it, someone would cherish her despite her weakness, her fear, her intentional self-abuse? Someone wanted to tell her he loved her more than she loved herself. And that made her want to change, to be better. Not because she felt the need to earn this love, but to return it somehow.

She later learned someone had prayed this prayer on her behalf:
"O most loving Father: Grant us faith that we may dread nothing but the loss of You. Teach us to expect you. Give us your adventure and abandon, your risky hope, your absolute confidence. Teach us to be sure of only You. That we may follow you with the peaceful awareness that knowing You comes before knowing; trusting You before understanding; following You before itineraries.
Interrupt us where we least wish You to come; handle and heal us where we ourselves would most protect; rattle us where we are most comfortable; astound us where we feel least safe, where we least trust You; distract us where we are most self-consumed; wait for us where we least believe we can go. Astound us, O Lord, with Your grace. We would be exuberant children, Father, more thrilled by your return home than by any gifts You may have for us in your pockets. And we Your children pray this by Your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, Who lives and reigns with You and Your Holy Spirit, Our God of Eternal Surprises, Our Light in dark places. Amen.”

This message delivered exactly what she needed. A reminder of the hymn she relates so well with: “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.”

Now He is drawing her back, once again. She senses Him pursuing her with His presence, as she’s readily ignored so often before.

This special “someone” helped her remember that the God of the universe is romantic. He pursues us with His sunshine, amuses us with laughter, and calms us in what seems disaster.